Finding Our Way
by Mazarine Midori
Summary: K2.  Precedes events in Running Up.  Is Kyle really asexual, or has he just not found the right person yet?  Rated M for language and future chapters
1. Normalcy

**1. Normalcy**

"Seriously dude, she had the best titties I've ever seen. I couldn't wait to put my dick between them," Kenny's voice filtered through the images playing around in my head. I looked over at my two best friends sitting on my couch, Stan and Kenny always seemed to be talking about sex. Stan loved hearing Kenny's stories, I think he liked to live vicariously through Kenny. Wendy wants to wait until marriage and I think Stan is having trouble. Kenny, for his part, loves reliving his sexual escapades with anyone who will listen. He usually finds a rapt audience with Stan and often Cartman. And he's had a lot of them. "And holy shit could that girl suck..."

I shake my head and try to focus on my book. I just don't see the big deal. I usually try to tune them out when they start down this track. I've never been interested in sex. It isn't something that I think about. But, for some reason Kenny's voice keeps cutting through, "...I may even go back for seconds," he laughs "Or fifths." I close my book and swing my legs off the arm of the chair I'm lounging in, "Why do you guys always end up having these disgustingly explicit conversations?"

"Because, we are guys." Stan looks over to me, almost disapprovingly. "Do you want us to leave?"

"No. I just think we could change the subject is all."

"Kyle, you weren't even paying attention to us a second ago. You're all wrapped up in that stupid book." Stan can sometimes get a little pissy, when you interrupt his sex talk time. I think the pressure of waiting for Wendy is going to kill that guy. Kenny just leans back on the couch and waits for Stan and I to finish our little spat. We have them more often than we used to, I guess that comes with being best-friends with someone for so long. "You know, most of us like talking about sex. It's normal Kyle."

"What are you saying? That I'm not normal? Just because I don't wanna talk about sex 24/7."

"You don't ever talk about sex. You've never had a girlfriend. Hell dude, do you even masturbate?" Stan seems to be taking this a little too personally.

"What the hell kind of question is that?" I stare hard at him, trying to keep my face from flushing.

"Well, do you? Or, are you some sort of asexual weirdo?" Yeah, things have just gotten awkward and I know that my face has gone completely red.

"What the fuck Stan? Why are you acting like such an asshole? I just wanted to change the subject. Why the fucking attack?" I look over to Kenny, for support, but as usual he is staying out of it.

"You're not answering the question."

"Of course I'm not answering the question, it's none of your fucking business."

Stan smirks, "I'll take that as a no then. So you are asexual. That's why you never talk about sex, you don't have anything to talk about"

"What, because I don't want to tell you if I masturbate? Has it ever occurred to you that these things are private?"

Stan looks over to Kenny, who remains completely passive. "Private," Stan scoffs "Have you heard the things Kenny talks about? Masturbating is nothing compared to the shit this guy has done. And the rest of us masturbate regularly. I mean, how else could I handle being with Wendy."

"I'm sure I don't care what you do, nor does anybody else." I spit out at him. Stan gets up and heads for the door.

"Face it dude, you're not normal. Normal guys want to have sex, and if they can't have sex they want to hear about it or watch porn and masturbate." He walks out the door and leaves me dumbfounded, sitting on the chair. I turn to Kenny.

"What the fuck was that all about?" Kenny just shrugs and shakes his head. He looks over at me, curiosity written across his features. "What?" I ask with a bit more edge than I intended. He bites his lip and cocks his head to one side. I'm sure he's about to pick up where Stan left off, and can feel my defences building up around me. But he just gives me a lopsided smile and shakes his head. Not in a dismissive way, but more of a "dude, if you don't wanna talk about it that's cool" way. We sit there for a bit in an awkward silence. I sort of want him to leave, but I don't know how to phrase it without sounding like an ass. But Kenny has always been really good about reading people and situations and he stands up and grabs his jacket.

"Hey Kyle, I gotta go. I'll see ya at school tomorrow."

"Yeah, okay." I mumble to him as he heads out the door.

I pick up my book and try to get back into the story, but Stan's words keep bouncing around in my mind. Am I really not normal? I'm sure there are lots of other guys who don't think about sex all the time. And so what if I don't masturbate? I mean, not everyone masturbates right? If you don't need to relieve any tension then you don't need to masturbate. It's not like I've never had an erection, I get them, it just doesn't seem to be a sexual thing. I mean, it sometimes just happens and then if I ignore it it goes away. Why do you have to want to have sex to be normal. I put the book down in frustration. This seems to have really gotten to me. The guys have ripped on me before for not dating and still being a virgin, but Stan's attack was really personal this time. I decide that I am going to see if there is something wrong with me, or if I just have more important things to occupy my time than with than sex.

I head up to my room and open my laptop. One of the good things about having your own computer is that you can check out porn sites with out being bothered, at least I'm assuming that's one of the good things. I open the browser to Google and stare at the page. I'm suddenly nervous. I've never watched porn before. I begin to wonder if porn is legal in Colorado, and what if the government is monitoring my IP address and they see that I've been watching porn? You hear all these stories about kids doing research on school projects and coming across porn sites accidentally. I guess I could enter an innocuous term and see if I get something, that way I can claim I was researching a project or something. Hmm, what term can I use? I wrack my brain for something innocent that can be taken for a sexual innuendo. I seem to remember hearing about some kid doing a project on Louisa May Alcott's _Little Women_ and getting porn. So I type that in and hit the search button. The results are disappointing to say the least. The first 5 pages are all about the book and the movie. There is only one site that is even pseudo-sexual and it is an online lingerie shop for women with small boobs. Okay, what else have I got...how about Roman bath houses. I'm sure that a bunch of people naked together will lead to some form of sexual conduct. Again, nothing but actual information on Roman baths, where they are and the history and culture of Ancient Rome. This is proving harder than I thought. I try to think back to all the conversations between Kenny and Stan to see if I can remember some terms or something that isn't explicitly sexual, but will still get me results. The problem is that I'm really good at tuning out things that I'm not interested in, and the bits of conversation that I overheard today were overtly sexual. Arrghh, maybe there is something wrong with me if I can't even find porn on the friggin' internet. Well, I'm sure if I wrote in the word sex or porn that I would get a tonne of stuff. But, I won't very well be able to explain that away so easily, if the government is watching. Wait, what if I type in "the birds and the bees?" That's what people call sex when your a kid. Nope, still nothing. Just a bunch of sites for parents on how to talk to their kids about sex.

After a dozen more failed attempts, I finally give up in frustration and shut my laptop. I flop myself down on the bed and think over how I'm going to access some porn. Or, do I really need porn? Maybe, I can just fantasize about sex and that will work. For the second time, I find myself trying to recall the many conversations between Kenny and the guys. Today it was about sticking his dick between some girls boobs. I try to image that, but am having trouble seeing the appeal. I mean, they are boobs right, there is no orifice to enter. Isn't that the whole point of sex? And there is a lot of space between boobs, it would be like rubbing your dick on her stomach or something. Okay, so that's not working. What else was there...oh yeah, he was talking about a blow job. That I can at least visualize. So, a girl takes my hard cock in her mouth and begins to suck. Like a lollypop? No, maybe like a Popsicle. Licking and sucking. I wonder if that hurts? How does she know how hard to suck? What if she gets over excited and sucks really hard, or worse bites? Man, this blows. I don't know why I can't focus on sex. I really have no idea what to do here. How have I managed to exist in this world and not know anything about having sex. It's everywhere: on TV, in music, in commercials. How did I not pick up anything? What I need is someone who knows about this stuff. Someone who can help me out, but not be weird about me asking.

I can't ask Stan, not now after all that stuff that he said. Cartman is out of the question. Kenny? Kenny knows more about this than anyone I know, he always has. I remember back in 3rd grade, anytime Chef was talking about sex stuff that the rest of us didn't know, Kenny always seemed to know. And his knowledge just expanded as we got older and he became more experienced. And the guy is bi, so he will know things that Stan and Cartman won't know. He only talks about sex with girls when he's with the guys, because he knows they aren't interested in what he does with men. Not that I think that I'm gay or bi or anything, just he will know a lot and won't be weirded out by a guy asking him about sex. It's funny, I don't know how we all came to know that Kenny is bi. It's not like there was any big announcement or anything. Just one day there were rumours about him and Craig...and that was sort of it. Well, almost.

_One day, when we were all hanging out Cartman turned to him and sneered, "So, Kenny...you a fag now, or what?"_

"_What?"_

"_I heard about you and Craig. So you like dick, huh? Did you stick it up his ass, or no, wait...you took it didn't you? Right up the ass."_

_Both Stan and I turned to Cartman, "Shut the fuck up, fat-ass," we said simultaneously. "You're just jealous 'cause you can't get laid at all," I continued._

_Cartman turned red, "Screw you guys. I can too. I just don't want to."_

_I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, who would sleep with a fat fuck like you?"_

"_Fuck off Kyle, fucking Jew. I don't need to listen to you guys. I'm going home." Once he left, Stan turned to look at Kenny._

"_Okay, seriously dude. What's the deal? Is that stuff about Craig true"_

_Kenny just looked at us for a moment, "Yeah."_

_I looked between Kenny and Stan, trying to read what they were thinking. Stan was quiet for a second, then he said, "But, dude. What about all those girls? I know you've slept with a tonne of girls. And Craig? So are you bi, then?"_

_Kenny shrugged, "I've never thought about it. I don't need a label. I just like having sex. So, if I want to have sex, I do. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, cause they are so different. It's like sometimes I want ice cream and sometimes I want cake. They are both desserts and they are both delicious, so why choose only one?"_

And that was that. Kenny is bi, or really just likes having sex. So, I suppose if I am going to ask anyone it's gotta be him. But, how am I going to do this? It's not like I can just walk up to him at school and ask him to help me get some porn. And what if he thinks I'm a weirdo, what kind of guy can't get his own porn. Not only that, it will confirm what Stan was saying about me today. Why does everything have to be so complicated? I decide that there isn't really anything I can do about it, and why should I let what Stan said bother me. Maybe in a couple off days everything will pass and I won't feel the need to prove that I'm normal.


	2. Access

A/N- I forgot to mention that I don't own any of the characters in this story, just the ideas. The next few chapters are going to get smexy, but I'm sure you can see that that is where this is heading. I'm new at this, so please any constructive criticism is really appreciated.

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**2. Access**

I show up at school and head to my locker. Despite my assertions to just let it all pass, I still feel a little put out. For the first time since I can remember, I actually don't want to see Stan. I open my locker to gather my books for my AP Math class, which none of my friends are taking. I feel Stan slump against the locker next to mine before he says anything, "Hey Kyle. Are we still going to see that movie Thursday?"

"As far as I know. Why?" I ask.

"Wendy wants to go see some stupid chick flick Thursday. Maybe you and the guys wanna go some other night?" He asks hopefully. The thing about Stan is that you can have an epic battle with him one day, but the next day he always goes back to normal. As if nothing ever happened. He doesn't hold grudges. Sometimes it makes it hard to stay mad at him. But not this time.

"I don't know," I state simply and turn to walk away without another word. He doesn't make to follow me or call out or anything. That was another annoying habit of his, his ability to give me time and space to "cool off." Sometimes having a best-friend who knows you better than you know yourself has it's drawbacks. I feel like another yelling match might relieve some of the frustration that has developed overnight, but I will get no such satisfaction from him.

Monday and Tuesday slip by and things haven't really improved for me. I am unable to let go of the feeling that I'm not normal. Stan has taken to exchanging pleasantries with me, but not hanging around much. He knows to stay away when I'm "sulking". Cartman, on the other hand, can be counted on to piss me off. Unfortunately, I don't get any satisfaction from arguing with him. If anything it just adds to my frustration. Wednesday rolls up, which is customarily the day we all go to my house and play video games. I don't know when it started, but we've been doing for ages. We hop off the bus and instead of us each going our own way, they all follow me home. I'm not in a video game mood, but this is what we've always done. Unless the guys are busy with other things. Sometimes Stan goes over to Wendy's or has football. Cartman sometimes has debate or football too. Kenny usually comes over, but there have been times when he's gone off with Craig or some girl. Apparently today everyone is free.

We kick off our shoes as we walk in and head up to my room to toss our bags. My mom hates when she comes home and all our packs are sitting in the doorway. I move to the kitchen to make sure that something has been taken out for dinner and to grab some snacks, as Stan and Kenny set up the game. I put out some chips and cokes and slump into the armchair. Kenny holds out a controller to me, but I just shake my head and kick my legs up over the arm of the chair. He shrugs and puts the controller on the table. I hear Stan mutter something about me still sulking, but he and the guys get wrapped up in the game pretty quickly. I pick up my book and get lost for awhile. A couple hours pass and Stan and Cartman get up to head home. I mumble a quick "bye" as they head out the door. I look over at Kenny and raise an eyebrow, silently asking if he is staying for dinner. He smiles, answering my question and I swing myself off the chair and head to the kitchen.

Wednesday also happens to be my day to cook dinner. Ever since I turned 12 my mom made a rule that I had to cook dinner for the family once a week. She claimed she didn't want "her little Bubbleh" to starve when I go off to college. At first she helped me make dinner, but now I do it on my own. Ike has just started cooking on Monday nights. He's actually really good, even though he's only 11 years old. He just seems to pick up things quickly, side effect of being a genius I guess. I begin to prepare dinner; nothing fancy just spaghetti. Kenny continues to play the game and as I leave the sauce to simmer for a bit, while the water boils, I walk back out to the living room. I flop on my chair, but this time I watch Kenny playing. I think about how often he stays over for dinner, most Wednesdays really. My mom used to be a little upset at first, but then she realized it was only Kenny and not the other guys who would stay. We all know Kenny's home-life isn't the best and I guess she just accepted that we would usually have a dinner guest on Wednesdays. And it's not like she had to cook anyway.

But, I am also watching Kenny for another reason. I'm wondering if I can ask him about sex and porn or if I really should just leave it alone. He notices me staring and him and turns to me with an eyebrow raised, "Yes?" he says. I smile nervously and shake my head. I get up to add the noodles to the boiling water. Once dinner is ready every one sits down to eat. There is some polite conversation about school and what we boys have planned for the weekend, but mostly we just eat in silence. As usual, Kenny dishes out seconds and we are left at the table while he finishes up. We clear our dishes and head up to my room. I flop on the bed and wait for Kenny to grab his bag and head home. But he doesn't, he sits down at my desk and swivels the chair around to look at me. "Dude, what's up?"

"What do you mean?" I ask innocently.

"You've been acting weird all week, ever since your fight with Stan. What's going on?" He is unusually stern, staring straight at me.

I sigh, "It's nothing Kenny. Don't worry about it."

"Bullshit it's nothing. You've never been this sulky for this long. Are you upset by what Stan was saying? You know, he's just got the worst case of blue-balls, ever, and he took it out on you." His voice was a little softer now, but still firm. I could tell I wasn't going to get out of this without talking to him. He had that way about him. You always ended up talking to Kenny, whether you wanted to or not.

"Well, this is sort of embarrassing...but I was wondering if Stan is right. You know, if there is something wrong with me." Kenny just looks at me, waiting for me to continue. "I mean, I don't think about sex, like at all. I've never really been interested in it. And I don't masturbate." Surprise flashes across Kenny's face, but he doesn't laugh or anything. "And, I wanted to know if I can you know... get turned on by sex or what not, but I've been having trouble fantasizing about it and I've not got any porn or anything." I sort of mumble the last bit out. Kenny doesn't say anything, but turns to look at my computer and then back at me, with a questioning look in his eyes. "Yeah, I know, but when I sat down to look I got all paranoid about indecency laws and stuff. And then I tried finding it 'accidentally' by entering in innocent words that could be sexual innuendos, but that failed miserably." At this he finally cracked a smile.

"Kyle, you have to be the only guy in the world who can turn something as basic and primal as sex into a research project." He shakes his head, gets up and walks over to his bag. He rummages around a bit, but he emerges with two magazines and throws them at me. I'm looking down at the covers of two porn mags, one with a topless girl smiling coyly at the camera and the other with a girl in a red, white and blue bikini pulling at the strings of the bottoms. I feel my face flush red and stammer out, "You have porn in your bag? You bring porn to school?"

"Yeah. I always have a mag with me, in case I get bored in class or something."

I snap my head up to look at him, "You look at porn IN CLASS?"

He throws his hands up in front of him, motioning for me to calm down. "Only if I get bored," he states.

"DUDE, what happens if you get caught?" I sputter.

"Well, they usually take the magazine away and I get detention."

"You've been caught!"

"Calm down Kyle. It's no big deal." He looks to the door; I guess waiting for my mom to come bounding in demanding to know what all the shouting is about. I don't want that to happen either, so I take a deep breath before continuing.

"Okay...so you sometimes look at porn in class. Okay...so wait, don't you get erections then, whadda do then?"

He offers me a lopsided smile before he answers my question. "I don't always get hard, especially if it's one I've look at before. I will read the articles or just look at the girls and really notice things about them. For instance, this one..." He takes the magazine with the topless girl out of my hand and flips to a page with a girl whose legs are spread wide open and is licking a hot pink translucent dildo. "...she has a tiny mole on her inner thigh. It's kind of cute." I know my face must be vermillion right now, but he doesn't acknowledge it. How he noticed this microscopic mole, that is really high up on her inner thigh is beyond me. Especially given everything else that is visible in the picture. "So you can keep those for a couple of days, if that'll help you out," he states.

"Uh, thanks..." I stuff the magazines under my pillow and look at him. "Err, Kenny? I'd really appreciate it if..."

"Don't worry Kyle. My lips are sealed." He smiles at me, and I know that it's true. He wouldn't tell a soul. He grabs his bag and head towards the door. I follow him downstairs and see him off. He turns as he heads down the walk, "See ya tomorrow Kyle." I wave and smile back at him.

I head back upstairs to work on my homework, trying to ignore the magazines that are under my pillow. I open my laptop and set a movie to download as I crack my books open. I like to reward myself with a movie or TV show when I am done all my work. I finish everything by 10:30 and lay back on my bed to watch _Night of the Living Dead_, I love zombie movies. I prop myself up against my pillows and watch the movie. At some point I shift and hear a rustling sound and curse myself for forgetting that Kenny's mags were under my pillow. I pull them out and look around, as if someone might be in my room. Mom came to say goodnight ages ago, and if Ike is still awake he is in his own room.

I open the one with "mole girl" and look at the images that are displayed before me. The girls are pretty, but strangely fake looking. Like real life dolls or something. They are organized into photo spreads featuring one or sometimes two girls. They start off the same, semi clothed or in the process of disrobing. Some pictures of boobs, some of which are huge. Then there are the really graphic images of women with their legs spread open or leaning over chairs/tables/up against walls. I am totally curious, but not really turned on. Women's bits are a bit gross looking if you get up really close.

Then I come across a spread that has a guy in it, and she goes down on him and there is a picture of him almost penetrating her. But still nothing happens. I toss that magazine aside and pick up the other one. It's essentially the same thing. Naked girls, graphic images and some guy/girl action. However, in this guy/girl spread I find myself somewhat stimulated by what I'm seeing. The girl is a cute little thing (she actually looks about my age, which is illegal I'm sure) with short messy blond hair and blue eyes. She has really small boobs and isn't really curvy like the other girls. I'm intrigued as she is taken from behind and the guy grabs her hair and sort of pulls her head back. I don't get fully erect, but there is definitely some stimulation. This shows some promise. Maybe I am normal, and it is just a matter that I have better things to do than think about sex.

Sure I didn't get really turned on, but Kenny said he doesn't always either. So maybe that's normal too. I stuff the magazines into my dresser drawer and figure I will try again later, and maybe get better results. After all, Kenny said I could keep them for a couple of days.


	3. Transitions

A/N: Again, I don't own any of these characters.

I warned that these next chapters were going to get more sexual, and this is pretty smutty, but I've decided to hold off on the true grit. I try to write one chapter ahead of the one I post so that I can may make any continuity changes if needed. Chapter 4 is finished, but needs tweaking. And I won't post it until chapter 5 is done, the story is taking shape a little differently than I originally intended, and becoming longer. Changes happened in Chapter 4 that were influenced by Rumanya's comments on this story (again, thank you for your comments). But I'll get to those later. For now, please enjoy. If you have an opinion, please share. I would like to know how I can improve this story and/or my writing style.

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**3. Transitions**

Kenny doesn't say anything about last night when I see him at school the next day. He is really good at acting like nothing is going on. Also, he is dynamite at keeping secrets, which for some reason I decide is important for me to note. The day is pretty uneventful, with the exception of Stan and Cartman having at it in the cafeteria.

"I don't see why we can't all go tomorrow," Stan whines.

"Well, you see Stan, you are the only one of us dating Wendy. Therefore, I see no reason for the rest of us to change our plans to accommodate her. It's not as if we would reap the benefits of being pussy whipped. Oh wait, neither do you," Cartman laughs. And as much as I hate to agree with ANYTHING Cartman says, he actually has a point.

"But you guys don't have anything else to do tomorrow, so it's not as if it is wrecking any other plans or anything." Stan is pleading now, never a good look on him.

"It's the principal of the matter, Stanley. Plus, something may come up. I think there may be a party at Craig's or something." Cartman is lying about the party, but he adds it just to try and deflect any further argument from Stan.

"You all suck balls!" Stan glares at each of us in turn and gets up and storms off.

"I hope he can convince Wendy to give it up, before he has a aneurism or something," Kenny says into his food. Cartman and I both agree.

After school the three of us decide to meet at Shakey's before the movie. Actually Cartman insists that we go to Shakey's ,but Kenny and I are usually game for some pizza and Whistlin' Willy's is sort of out of the way. Strangely, after the movie both Kenny and Cartman are going to head home. Usually we would head over to one of our places and talk about the movie or play games or something. But Cartman needs to prep his presentation on why the debate team should change from parli debate to public debate. And I think Kenny is planning on meet up with someone, but he is somewhat vague about it.

"I think I'll head home too." Kenny moves to begin the walk home.

"Don't ya wanna come by and hang for a bit?"

"Naw, its good. I sorta have plans."

"Kay, well see you guys tomorrow." I say and wave.

With nothing better to do that night, I head up to my room to peruse the pornography again. I flip through the pages slowly and really try to concentrate on the erotic nature of the images before me. I study the shape of the women's breasts and try to imagine the fluidity of what they are doing, which has been rendered down to one still shot. I actually get to see how one would stick their dick between a girl's boobs. It still doesn't look that appealing. I find the images just as un-arousing as I did yesterday, but in an attempt to "give it the old college try" I wrap my hand around my cock as I am flipping through the pages. I try to manually stimulate myself, but even that doesn't seem to work so well. The slight promise I was feeling yesterday is starting to fade. I go back to the magazine that has the cute blonde girl in it, but still it doesn't work. Now that I am taking my time to notice, she looks more curvy today, and I notice that her hair is more strawberry than blonde. I'm not sure why that has a negative affect on my arousal, but it does. After a few more strokes at my pathetic semi-wood, I sigh and give up. I tuck the magazines away and lay back on my bed.

I begin to wonder what it was that I found stimulating before; her blonde hair? Maybe, I have a thing for blondes? But the blondes in the other book didn't really do anything. I'm sure the semi violent nature of the hair pulling was a big part of it. Maybe I like things to be a little rough? I don't think out and out violence would be okay, but suggestive pseudo-violent things, like hair pulling and pinning someone down...again, I feel a stirring downstairs as I think of these things. Maybe, I just need a different type of porn to get me going. I imagine the girl being pinned up against the wall by that guy she is with, him forcefully spreading her legs with his, and shoving himself into her. Stirring, but not full arousal. There is some element that I am missing here. I just can't figure out what it is, but again it's progress. And I fall a sleep with a feeling of accomplishment. I am beginning to unravel the mystery of my sexuality.

I wake early and debate whether or not to bring Kenny's magazines to school. I am not as nonchalant about getting caught with porn as he is, I could just imagine my mother's reaction, so decide to keep them at home. He usually comes over at some point on the weekend so I can give them to him then. I have to admit, I am less than satisfied with the results and wonder if he would be willing to talk about it a bit, or if I even want to talk about it. Maybe I could just pretend that everything went well and I no longer have concerns about my normalcy.

Another boring and uneventful day at school. I seem to just be going through the motions, which is a departure from my usual attitude. I actually rather like school. Sure I complain as much as everybody else, but I love learning things and if you pay attention you do learn stuff. Today, we head over to Cartman's place. I don't go to his house often, he becomes even more of a dick when he is on his own turf, but his mom bought him a new game and we all wanted to try it out. After Cartman dictated the order in which we shall play, unsurprisingly I am last, we settled in for some excellent time wasting. Stan left after he had a go, apparently he convinced Butters and Tweek to go with him to the movie.

"Dude, you don't even like Butters," I say looking up at him.

"So?"

"Why did you ask him to go to the movie, then?" I question.

"Because, my _friends_ are a bunch of assholes who went to the movie last night," He smiles venomously.

"So you're just using him? That's cold, Stan." Kenny chastises.

"What do you guys care anyway? I gotta go, I need to grab something to eat before the show." And he left. Finally it was my turn and I bit it pretty much right away. I thought I would get another go, seeing as I lasted all of 2 minutes, but Cartman grabbed the controller from my hand.

"Hey, I didn't even get a chance. You all have been playing for like hours," I sulk.

"Not my problem. I can't help it if you suck, Kyle. You had your turn and now it's mine."

"Whatever, I gotta go home anyway." I get up and head out the door. I notice out of the corner of my eye that Kenny is getting up to leave too.

"See ya fat-ass," we chime together.

"Fuck you guys."

Kenny and I walk down the street in amicable silence, but my mind is racing with things to say. I am trying to think of a way to bring up the topic without sounding like a weirdo. Kenny seems content to just enjoy the walk in silence. Maybe he forgot about everything, but no that doesn't make sense, it was like only two days ago. When we get to my house I stop at the end of my walk and turn to Kenny. I don't say anything, I just stand there like an idiot. He looks at me and gives me a lopsided smile, "Are we going in? Or we just going to stand out here?"

"You're coming over?" I'm confused. "I though you were going home."

"No, why? Do you not want me to come in?" he asks.

"No, no that's not it...I guess I just thought when you got up..." I find myself stammering for some reason. Again he just smiles and begins to walk up to the door. He stands aside to let me unlock it, and kicks off his shoes. We head up to my room to drop our bags, but instead of heading back downstairs he sits on my bed.

"So, how'd it go with mags?"

I grab my desk chair and slump into it, "Unsatisfactorily." Kenny just looks at me with his bright blue eyes, silently asking me to continue. "I didn't find it all that arousing. One was sort of stimulating, but when I went back to it, nothing."

Kenny looks around my room, presumably for the porn. "Show me which one you liked." I get up and pull the magazines out from my drawer and when I turn to hand them to Kenny I see he's trying to suppress a smirk. "I forget that most people hide their porn," he explains when I give him a quizzical look. I flip to the spread with the little blonde and hand it to him. He nods appreciatively and asks, "what is it you like about this one?"

"Well...I like how this girl looks like, normal. She doesn't have huge breasts, and she doesn't look like a blow-up doll. I think I liked her better when I thought her hair was blonde, and when she looked less curvy. Oh, and I like that he is pulling her head back..." Kenny watches me as I speak. He nods and looks at the pictures when I talk about her hair colour and body shape. He raises an eyebrow at the hair pulling comment. "...but, it is kind of hard to imagine it in motion. I don't understand the transitions."

Kenny smirks, "The transitions? Kyle, you have the strangest approach to sex. But we can help you with your transition issue. We just need to watch a movie." He gets up off the bed and walks over to my laptop. He starts it up and moves aside as I wheel over. He looks around for something to sit on and grabs the other chair out of the closet and sets it down next to me. I log in and open the browser, then shift aside as he types in an address. I look at him; he has a porn site address memorized?

"This one is great, it has really long clips. You can watch like 20 minutes of a movie and if you slide the cursor over the thumbnail it shows you some random stills from the movie. That way you can see if you like it before you stream it. So, whadda wanna watch?"

I look at him incredulously, "We are going to watch it together?"

He grins at me, "Sure. Why not?"

"Umm, well what if it works...you know, what if I get excited?"

He chuckles and stands up. He walks over and grabs my pillows off of my bed and throws one at me. I catch it, look at it, then at him. He sits back down with the pillow across his lap. I shrug and follow suit.

"So, anything catch your attention?" I look over his shoulder and shrug, there are a lot of thumbnails and it is sort of overwhelming. "Hmm, you like blondes..."

"With short hair," I clarify.

He glances back over his shoulder and smiles at me, "Short hair? Anything else?"

"Umm, I guess I kinda like blue eyes."

Now he turns to me and looks at me full on, "Short blonde hair and blue eyes? And not too curvy?" His expression changes, to something like skepticism.

"Well, I don't know. Like I said, that spread only sort of turned me on. I don't know what it was, maybe other things do as well. Why don't you pick?" The words tumble out of my mouth.

He turns back to the computer, "Okay, well let's find something a little rough, seeing as you seem to like that. No S an' M, just vanilla stuff." I'm not sure what he's talking about, but I trust his judgment. He finally settles on something, full screens it and sits back in his chair. The pillow lays across his lap and both hands lay on top. I follow suit.

The video doesn't beat about the bush, well I guess it depends on how you interpret that statement. But what I mean is that the sex starts right away. There is a lot of motion and noise. The girl is pretty and real looking. She has long brown hair and right now has a giant cock in her mouth. The guy has grabbed on to her hair and is forcefully moving her head back and forth. She is sort of gagging and I can't help but wonder if she is enjoying this at all. I glance over to Kenny. He seems to be enjoying it, as one hand has disappeared under the pillow. Again, I take my cue from him and begin the ministrations. The guy forces the girl up and flips her over, he pushes her head down on the bed and lifts her ass up in the air. I sneak another look at Kenny and am surprised to see that the pillow has slid down a bit. I can see the top of his pants are undone and when his hand moves upward I see a tuft of curly blonde hair and the base of his penis. Suddenly, I am fully erect and my grip tightens on my own member. Oh god!

I quickly shift my eyes away, because even though I've never done this before, I am sure watching the other guy jerk-off is not okay. With a fully erect handful, I try to enjoy the images dancing across the screen. And despite the through pummeling the poor woman is receiving, I am not really able to focus on the movie. My mind wanders over to Kenny and his stroking. I think of his penis, about it's shape and size. Is he circumcised? I imagine that I am holding his penis in my hand and am suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to please him. As a result, I end up giving myself a good stroking and it doesn't take long for me to finish. I peek over at Kenny and he looks as if he may be done as well. I am not sure what to do from this point. I don't really want to pull up my pants with all the goo that is about, but how to clean up and remain covered?

I hear an audible sigh coming from next to me, and I guess Kenny is actually just done now. I wait to see how he deals with clean up. He grabs the pillow with one hand, holds the pillow case with the other hand, and pulls the pillow free. He then wraps the case around his business and wipes up the mess. He shifts and his boxers are back in place and pants are being buttoned in one fluid motion. I make to follow his lead, but I am significantly less graceful about it. The pillow and case don't separate quite so smoothly, and my boxers are struggling to regain their former position around my waist. Thankfully my pants are much more co-operative and soon I am fully clothed.

"So, that seemed to work for you. What did ya think?" Kenny smiles. He looks very relaxed and content.

"Umm, yeah I guess." I agree.

"It looks to me like it worked. Or were you just faking a clean up?"

"No, it worked." I concede. "In a manner of speaking," I note silently to myself.

Kenny gets up and grabs his bag. "Then everything's okay, right? You're not worried about what Stan said anymore?"

I nod my head, "I'll be fine. And Kenny? Thanks for being cool about this, and helping me out and everything."

"Anytime dude." And with that, he heads off.

After dinner I lie on my bed and think about the implications of what I've done. I masturbated whilst thinking about one of my friends. One of my GUY friends. Does this mean I'm gay? Quite possibly. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, so maybe I should try watching some gay porn and see if that turns me on. I'm really confused, because even though I never thought about sex, I was pretty sure I was straight. I've liked a few girls in the past, but never liked any guys. But I can't deny that the sight of Kenny "rubbing one out" excited me, and thinking about pleasing him got me off. I am more confused now than I was before; this quest to understand my sexuality has just become more complicated.


	4. Confession

A/N~ I don't own these characters, just the ideas.

Sorry all, it seems like it's been a while since I've updated. Turns out chapter 5 was a little challenging to write, for many different reasons. Work is getting busy and I have to decide if I'm going to end this soon, or if I want to keep it going a little longer. But 5 is finally done so it is time to post chapter 4. I also wanted to post this before I left for Hiroshima for the weekend. I didn't want to leave it that long between updates.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy. And as always feedback is really appreciated. Comments on style or content, I'll take what you have to offer.

EDIT: One word was changed at the end of this chapter...Kenny changed to sex.

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**4. Confession**

I wake up after a little lie in and am really glad that I don't have to go to school today. I just don't know how I'm going to face Kenny. Last night I dreamed about him, and it was a little x-rated. Who am I kidding, it was a lot x-rated. In fact, I woke up in the middle of the night and had to change my boxers. But today I'm not going to think about him or sex. I glance over to my clock: 8:45. I sigh and roll out of bed. I need to get ready for temple and I know that my Mom is going to come busting in here if I don't get up right now. I'm a little surprised she hasn't come to wake me up already; usually 8:30 is the latest she'll let us sleep. There is no synagogue in South Park, so we have to drive to Denver. That means that we leave the house no later than 9:30. Rather than face her wrath, I just dress hurriedly and bound down the stairs.

After temple we go to a kosher restaurant for some brunch. We try to keep kosher at home, not like Orthodox kosher, but we follow the laws. Mom is more strict on Shabbat. I guess 'cause we have to drive into Denver, but I think it's ironic that we go into a Jewish bakery/restaurant after temple to eat kosher when all Jews are supposed to take the day off. So either the people working here are not Jewish (which calls into question how kosher it is on Saturdays) or they are Jews breaking the rules. I don't take it upon myself to point this out to my Mother though, sometimes it's best to just let certain things go.

We make it back to South Park just after lunch. As we pull up, I contemplate what I am going to do with the rest of my day. No TV or computers, again my Mom, so I guess it will be homework. I change and pull my books out of my bag. I set down to work on some math when I hear the doorbell. My heart freezes for a moment, thinking it might be Kenny. It's not unusual for the any of the guys to come by after temple, but as my door opens I am relieved to see it is Stan. He doesn't look well, so my relief is short lived.

"Dude, what's wrong?"

"Can I talk to you, Kyle?" Stan asks as he flops on my bed. I can see that something is really bothering him, so I walk over to sit next to him. "It's about me and Wendy." I suppress an eye-roll, Stan can get really melodramatic when it comes to Wendy. I try to look interested, but I can feel my mind wandering already. But Stan's silence is unsettling. Usually he runs into a tirade and whines about no sex, or hanging with her parents, or her ignoring him or whatever little thing it is that has set him off.

"Stan, what is it?"

He just sits there shifting uncomfortably. He makes several attempts to start, but stops abruptly and has this haunted look in his eyes. "Well...you know how Wendy wants to wait until marriage before we have sex?" I nod. We all know that, and how difficult Stan seems to find it. "But the thing is, now she wants to do...other things." I don't say anything, but I know that the question must be written across my face. "She likes to fool around you know, but not actually have sex. So we mess about and touch and stuff." I am beginning to feel like this is running into TMI, but I have faith that Stan is making this confession for a good reason. "She doesn't want anyone to know, you know. It's like, our secret. And we've done a bunch of things...and last night after the movie I went over to her place. Well she let me go farther this time than she ever has before, and I thought that maybe she changed her mind and we were going to have sex. But then she stopped. She just pushed me away and told me I had to go." I knew that girl was bad news. I'm tempted to say so, but I just sit and listen. "The thing is Kyle...I didn't want to stop. I mean, I knew that she wanted me to stop, but I didn't want to...no, it's more than that...it's like I almost couldn't stop." I take a minute to process what he's saying, and the way he is looking.

"Oh my god Stan! What are you saying?" I can't keep the incredulity out of my voice.

"No, no, Kyle it's not like that! I stopped. I stopped." Relief washes over me, and I feel myself exhale.

"Thank god!" I breath.

"That's the problem, Kyle. I stopped this time, but it was REALLY hard dude. I mean, aside from the physical pain of it, it's like another part of my brain had taken over...like this really primal, animal side and I couldn't think straight. I mean, I love her and I wouldn't do anything to hurt her, so how could I have trouble stopping? And what if next time I can't..." He is crying now. His head is bowed and I can see the tears falling. "Kyle, does this mean I'm a bad person? I mean, does this mean that I'm a rapist or something and I have to fight off that urge?"

Holy shit, this is big. And I have no idea what to do. I take a deep breath and look at my best-friend as he crumbles before me; and I know for certain that he is not a bad person. "Uh, look Stan, you aren't a bad person. I mean, you stopped right. I'll admit I am not necessarily the best person to talk to about this, because I don't know much about sex and sexual urges. But, I think that what you are feeling is sort of normal." He looks at me, pleadingly, as if I can somehow make this all better. "Like, when you are in the midst of passion your self-control may become a little compromised. I guess that's why they are called 'crimes of passion.' But you came out on top, you are better than that, even if it seemed like at the time you didn't think you could stop."

"Really, you think so?" I can tell he is looking for something to grab a hold of here.

"Yeah, man. And you are talking about it and seeking help. You recognize that there is something here to be worried about and you are facing it."

"I guess, but doesn't that mean that I have a problem? That there is something wrong with me?"

"No, just means that you are aware that your urges are really strong."

"What should I do Kyle? How am I going to deal with all this starting and stopping?" he mumbles into his hands.

"I think you shouldn't let it get as far next time. Like, you can stop it earlier, before it gets harder to stop." Secretly I think he should break up with Wendy. She is always using her sexuality to control and manipulate Stan.

"But, I want it to continue. I want to make love to her. I love her." This is going to be harder than I thought.

"I know you do Stan, but you know that she doesn't want to have sex. You know that she is going to want to stop at some point. All I am saying is that it is okay for you to decide when to stop. You don't have to let her dictate what your relationship is going to be like."

"But what if she changes her mind? What if she decides she wants to have sex, but I stop her?"

"Well, if that happens you guys are going to have to talk about whether or not waiting till marriage is really what you both want. But it would be better to wait until all the hormones are out of the equation and you can talk rationally about how you are going to proceed." It almost sounds like I know what I'm talking about here.

"I guess, that makes sense. Do you think maybe I should talk to her about it now?"

Instinctively, I know that telling a girl that you have the urge to continue when she wants you to stop is not a good idea. "I don't think so. I have a feeling she may not understand what you are going through." There is no way that she is going to understand, and she will probably think that he is a perverted creep who can't control himself, which I know he isn't. "I think you should just slow things down and stop when you know that you can walk away easily. If she questions you or wants to talk about it, then maybe you should. But for now, allow yourself to take some control in the relationship."

Understanding and acceptance seep into Stan's eyes, "Yeah, you're right. Thanks Kyle. I knew you would be able to help. Even if you don't talk about sex, you are the smartest person I know."

We sit on my bed in silence for awhile. I can feel the emotions washing off of Stan and he actually looks exhausted. "Dude, did you sleep at all last night?"

"Not really. I kept replaying that moment in my head, you know the moment where I was worried that I couldn't stop," he sighs. "I feel pretty tired actually."

"Why don't you go home and sleep then?"

"Yeah," he says as he stands up, "I think I will. Do you want to come over later? For dinner or something."

"I can't Stan, it's Saturday. I have to eat at home remember."

"Right, how 'bout after? You can sleep over."

I smile. We haven't had a sleep over in a while, "Sure. That will be okay. I'll come over after dinner."

"Kay, see ya later Kyle."

"See ya, Stan."

I get up and head back to my homework, but take a moment as I sit back in my chair. Holy shit, HOLY SHIT! I take a couple of deep breaths. So that explains why Stan has been so bitchy lately. I thought it had to be something more than just blue-balls. I mean he and Wendy have been together forever, so he's been dealing with not having sex for a long time. But now it's getting more complicated, because Wendy has decided that "fooling around" is okay but sex is still out of the question. Why can't Stan see that she is controlling him? I guess it is easy for someone on the outside to see what is happening, but not so easy when you are wrapped up within the snare.

I work on my homework until dinner. Afterward, I head over to Stan's and we play some video games and watch a movie. Even though at my house this wouldn't be allowed, I don't feel guilty. Plus, what else were Stan and I going to do, play board games? We talk about useless things and eat junk food. We stay up late and we are pretty tired when we head up to Stan's room. His Mom has already blown up the air mattress and it is on the floor near his bed. Stan seems to be back to normal and as I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I hear him turn on his computer. After finishing up, I come back into the room and look over Stan's shoulder. I take in a sharp breath and take a step back. Stan is browsing some pornography, as if nothing happened today.

"Kyle, I know you don't like to talk about sex and stuff, but I thought that was maybe because you just don't have any experience or anything." I don't know what to say. He looks at me, earnest as all fuck and continues, "so I was thinking, maybe I could show you some porn and then you would, like be okay to talk about it and stuff." I almost laugh out loud. This is so typically Stan. I helped him through some shit today and he feels like he owes me or something. So he's decided to "help" me by exposing me to porn, undoubtedly for my own good. But he doesn't know that Kenny beat him to it, at my request, sort of request. I decide to humour him, knowing that anything else will just make this sleepover really uncomfortable.

"Uh, okay I guess. Are we going to watch it together?" I try to mimic the same tone I had with Kenny, but it doesn't sound quite right.

"Yeah, it's okay dude. Kenny and I do this all the time." At this I raise an eyebrow, which Stan misinterprets. "No it's not like that, I'm not gay for Kenny or anything. We just use it as a release, and anyway you cover up." I hadn't meant to imply that he was gay for Kenny, it just surprised me a little that Kenny seems to be okay masturbating in front of his friends. Really, it shouldn't though. Stan gets up and grabs two t-shirts, that I've never seen him wear, out of his closet. "Here, lay this across your lap."

The t-shirts offer less coverage than the pillows. With pillow coverage it is harder to see the other guy's movements. Unless of course the pillow slips down...crap, I wasn't supposed to think about that today. I sit on the chair next to Stan as he idly searches for something to watch. I sigh and think how I went from a guy who never thinks about sex or masturbates to a guy who apparently masturbates daily and with his friends no less. I am suddenly worried, what if I have the same reaction to Stan as I had to Kenny. My life could potentially get a lot more complicated. The movie starts and again it gets right down to business.

And so does Stan. His hand slides under the t-shirt immediately. He looks over to me and smiles, nodding ever so slightly down at my draped t-shirt. Oh my god, he is telling me to grab myself. I look at the screen and dutifully stick my hand in my boxers. The movie is significantly less appealing than the one Kenny picked out, the girl has huge boobs and long fingernails. She looks completely fake and the noises she makes sounds like a somebody stepped on a cat's tail. This is doing nothing for me. I can't help myself and I sneak a look over at Stan. He is pumping away and seems enthralled by the cat lady getting pounded. Despite the fact that I can see what he is doing, if not his actual bits, I am not turned on by Stan either. I breath a sigh of relief, which could be interpreted as a sexual thing, even though it's not. The movie ends really quickly. Stan on the other hand, doesn't. He leans over to find another clip and I watch the images blinking past me, when something catches my eye.

"Stop there."

Stan turns to look at me, "What?"

"Go back, go back one." I say. Stan scrolls back and there it is again. "Let's watch that one."

"This one?" Stan looks at the girl freeze framed in front of him, "You sure?"

"Yeah, I want to watch this one."

Stan just shrugs and clicks on the image. I could tell he is a little skeptical, but humours me. The thing is almost as soon as the movie starts, I become instantly erect. The girl in the movie has just entered the house and sets down her skateboard. That's right, her skateboard. She is a dirty blond skater with crystal blue eyes and short messy hair. She flops onto the couch and kicks her legs up to rest her feet on the table. The guy that walks in is her step-dad or something, but he has dark auburn hair. There is some ridiculous banter and he pulls her shorts down. All I see in front of me is a scenario between Kenny and myself being played out. Admittedly, it was a little hard to imagine it was me and Kenny when he went down on her, that was shown in close up. But the rest of the film, it was easy. And he was a little aggressive with her too; I came hard and I think I might of made a little more noise than I intended.

Stan's stage whispering my name and telling me to keep it down. "Holy fuck Kyle, are you _trying_ to get us caught?" Stan seethes through his teeth. I am too content to offer a rebuttal, and Stan seems to have lost interest in the porn. He turns of his computer and flops into bed. "I guess you are normal after all." I hear him chuckle to himself.

"Dude, what the hell. Why are you still on that? What if I don't like sex or porn or masturbating, why does that make me abnormal." I still seem to be sore on this point, mostly because I haven't figured out what my deal is yet.

"But you do. I just witnessed it and I'm sure pretty much everyone in the house hear it."

"Maybe... maybe, I just liked that one. But maybe I don't like porn in general."

"Not possible. You were jerking off to the first one, and _really_ liked the second one. So you like porn. Why are you being weird about this, most guys like porn." Stan can be really simple sometimes. Honestly, that is one of his most endearing qualities. But sometimes it can be incredibly frustrating too. I realize there is no point in arguing with him, so I just crawl onto the air mattress and try to sleep.

Sleep is elusive, and I find myself thinking about sex. Maybe I am gay, watching that girl didn't work when I couldn't pretend she was a boy. Maybe that is why I don't like a lot of the girls in porn, they look too much like girls. Damn, I am going to have to try to get some gay porn and see if that turns me on. I think I may have just opened up a can of worms, that I may not be ready to deal with yet.

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A/N: As I mentioned previously, this chapter took shape differently than I originally intended. The comment Rumanya made about Stan being a bastard got me thinking. I was originally using Stan as a catalyst for Kyle's sexual soul searching (oooh, alliteration. Love it), but he was threatening to become too OOC. I mean, Stan wouldn't normally attack Kyle like this, so what was going on behind the scenes? The more I thought about it, the more it had to be something serious. So, thank you Rumanya for inadvertently encouraging me to flesh out Stan. Chapter 5 shifts the focus back to Kyle. So sorry if this chapter seems a bit off the plot, but I like looking at it as if it's adding depth. :P


	5. Discovery

So, this took a while, yeah? I have a list of excuses, not a one very good so won't bother you with them. I want to thank those of you who are sticking with me. This story is getting away from me a little, but hopefully I managed to make this a readable chapter. I was almost finished Chapter 6, then went back and redid a lot of this chapter. I am updating this, without having finished Chapter 6...which may come back to bite me in the ass! I hope you enjoy, and as always comments are appreciated.

Oh, and I did a quick edit to one word at the very end of Chapter 4...Kyle now goes to bed thinking of _sex_ not _Kenny_. It helps make this chapter seem more plausible.

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**5. Discovery**

I wake up early, momentarily disoriented. Right, Stan's place. I slept over. I get up and look at the clock. Crap it is only 8am. I wouldn't have minded sleeping in a bit, Sunday is pretty much the only day that I can. Also, Stan is not going to be up for hours. I lie here and think about the last week. It has been a strange process, and I feel like it's really only just beginning. I can't understand why I seemed to take Stan's comments so personally. If it was Cartman who said them, they would have rolled right off my back. Kenny would never say anything like that, he is one of the most open-minded people I know. I guess it's because with Stan it's different, we've been best-friends our entire life and his opinion matters to me. At the time I didn't know how complicated things were getting with him and Wendy and I know now that he was just projecting his shit onto me. I guess, I was really concerned that he thought I wasn't normal.

Truth be told, I'm not sure that I am either. I mean, how could I suddenly be gay? With no warning, or precursor or anything. Butters knew he was gay since he was like 9 or something. Although, I think he prefers "male preferring bisexual" because he has been interested in a few girls too. How could I think that I was straight, yet only seem to get sort of turned on by guys? And what if I am gay, what then? How am I going to tell people? How are my parents going to react? I guess nobody really has to know, but then am I ashamed of who I am? Arrghhh, this shit is so fucking complicated! I liked it better when I didn't think about sex and just focused on other things in life.

I can't sleep anymore and lying here is going to drive me crazy. I need to get out of my head for a bit and forget everything. Unfortunately, I didn't bring my book with me and Stan has never been a big reader. I suppose I could just head downstairs and watch some TV. I get dressed and make my way to the living room. Mrs. Marsh is in the kitchen, making coffee I assume by the smell. Mr. Marsh doesn't seem to be up and neither does Shelly. I walk into the kitchen to join her.

"Good morning, Kyle. Did you sleep well?"

"I did, thank you, Mrs. Marsh." I answer. "And thank you for getting the air mattress ready. Stan and I forgot all about it." I add.

"No problem. You're up early, would you like some coffee or juice?" She asks as she bustles around the kitchen.

"Juice would be nice. I've always been an early riser, habit I guess." She just murmurers and pours me some orange juice. She has always been like a second Mom to me, so sitting in the kitchen sharing a morning beverage is not uncomfortable. I finish my juice and get up to move into the living room.

I watch nonsense for an hour or two, trying unsuccessfully to lose myself in the drivel that is Sunday morning TV. Stan comes stumbling down the stairs at some point and flops onto the couch next to me. Mrs. Marsh is back in the kitchen and making breakfast. Stan and I sit in silence, and he reaches over to grab the remote. I make no protest as I don't really care what we watch. He seems content to constantly flick channels, which drives me a little crazy. After breakfast I get ready to go home, as Stan has to get ready for church, although he does protest going.

"I'm old enough to decide for myself if I want to go to church!"

"Stan Marsh, you are coming to church with us whether you want to or not. You are not old enough to decide to damn your soul to hell." Sometime Stan's father can be very melodramatic. I can see from whom Stan inherited that little personality quirk.

After a little more back and forth melodrama, _all _the Marshes head to church. They drop me off on the way, even though my house is in the opposite direction. I walk into my house and everyone is busy doing their own things. So I grab my book and flop on my chair. I successfully lose myself until dinner. After which I head upstairs to finish off the last bit of homework. I open my computer to start a movie downloading, while I finish my homework, but I am struck by the urge to check out whether or not gay porn turns me on. I feel like I need to know for sure. I need to know, what is my deal? I'm nervous again. This will be the first time I've watched porn alone. Somehow it feels wrong doing it alone, like there is safety in numbers or something. But if I'm honest, this is something I'd rather be doing alone. I search my history for the site that Kenny had us watching before and look for some male on male action. I surf through some pages and nothing comes up. I noticed a search field and enter "gay".

Wow. Okay, so I can get gay porn pretty easily. I scroll down the page and put my cursor over some images to see stills from the movie. Nothing seems to grab my attention, so I just pick one. It's a short clip of two young guys; one is masturbating and is caught by his friend. His friend decides to join the fun and leans over to kiss him. The masturbator stops what he is doing and undoes his friend's pants. He then takes the dick into his mouth and begins to suck. This is only marginally more stimulating than the straight porn. I try another one, and similar results. I can't tell if I'm relieved or disappointed. I am well and truly confused now. I just don't understand. Straight porn doesn't do much for me. Gay porn is a bit more stimulating but still doesn't really do anything for me. What the hell? I come across another movie, this one has a blonde boy being sucked off by another guy and this one does something for me, it reminds me of Kenny. As soon as Kenny enters my mind I get a raging hard-on. Fuck!

Kenny is what gets me interested in sex? How is that possible? How does someone I've known most of my life suddenly become a source of sexual stimulation? This is worse than suddenly being gay. Although, it seems to be combined. Am I suddenly gay, and gay for one of my best friends? Can your sexuality really be centred around one person? That doesn't seem right, or healthy. I go back to the first movie and imagine one of the boys to be Kenny and sure enough, hard as hell.

Again I come hard, and I prevent myself from screaming out by biting down on my shirt. I clean up and move to my bed. I need to think. This is upsetting and disorienting, what if Kenny is the only one that I want to have sex with; wait do I want to have sex with him? Yeah, I guess I do. Crap, crap, crap, fuck! I want to fuck one of my best-friends. Not only that, he is apparently the only stimulus that gets me excited about the prospect of sex. That can't be normal, right? Why does everything have to be so hard for me? Damn, now I'm unintentionally making stupid sexual puns. I mentally shake myself and decide that I'm just going to go back to the way things were before; no more thinking about sex, no more masturbating, no more questions. I don't really want to have sex with Kenny. I'm just confused. I mean he was the one who introduced me to porn, so I naturally would associate sex and Kenny. And, well he is _Kenny_ after all. I am pretty sure everyone associates sex with him. Right, I will sleep and wake up tomorrow and life will go back to normal.

Except sleep doesn't participate. I lay in bed thinking, about everything and nothing. I reminisce about being a kid. About growing up with Stan and Kenny and even Cartman, though I try to think about him as little as possible. Thinking about all the adventures we have had together. Too many to name and all memorable, but not one involving any sort of sexual situation between myself and Kenny. Sure we've been friends forever, sure I cried that time he got a muscle wasting disease and died. Wait he couldn't have died, that doesn't make any sense. He must have gotten better. Why did I think he died? Why would I cry if he got better? Whatever, that doesn't matter now, either way I just don't get where all this lust coming from. I start thinking about what he would think about my desires. I bet if he knew I was going to go all lust-bot after him he wouldn't have offered to help me out. I gotta make sure that he never knows about this, about my sexual infatuation. STUPID FUCKING STAN MARSH! My life was so much less complicated before all this crap.

I must have eventually fallen into a tumultuous sleep, because I wake feeling groggy and unrested. I have to get ready for school, but I feel like I want to stay home. I just want to hide from everything and everyone. I don't want to have to deal with this shit. My fucked up feelings and my confusion are threatening to consume me, but I get no such luxury. I can hear my Mom yelling at me and Ike to come down for breakfast. She will be up here shortly if I don't get up pronto, so I drag my reluctant ass out of bed, dress, and head downstairs to eat. Ike is the first to comment.

"Hey Kyle, are you okay? You look a little rough."

"What's wrong Bubbeleh," Mom asks next.

"Nothing," I reply, "I just didn't sleep very well."

"Well, you boys better hurry or you will miss the bus."

Ike and I pick up the pace and head out to the bus stop. Stan and Cartman are already there waiting.

"Dude, you look like crap! What's up?" Stan seems to be smirking at me, but I have no idea why.

"I just didn't sleep well last night. Do I really look that bad?"

"Yeah, man you look...I don't know lost or something," Stan says.

"You look like the same stupid, fucking Jew to me," Cartman adds unhelpfully.

"Fuck off, Cartman," I reply as the bus pulls up. I look around and notice that Kenny is missing. It's not that unusual, sometimes he will disappear for a while. Inwardly, I am happy that he's not getting on the bus. I don't know yet how I will react when I see him.

We arrive at school and after a quick stop at our lockers, head off to our respective classes. The only class I have with Stan is Phys. Ed and that isn't until after lunch. My morning progresses pretty prosaically and when lunch rolls around I resemble something of a normal human being. We are all sitting outside, as it is one of the few uncharacteristically beautiful days in South Park. I'm sitting on the stone wall that lines the outside of the raised football field. I love sitting here. I can see the entire courtyard and watch all the people interacting. Stan is slouching next to me chatting with Cartman and Jimmy, both of whom are standing on the ground before us. I lean back, resting my hands in the cool grass and just let my gaze slide over the student body while they are milling about, throwing things, laughing and generally just living. For no particular reason, my eyes focus on the far corner of the courtyard by the science lab. I am about to look away, when an orange clad figure appears exactly where I am staring, as if my magic.

I can immediately feel my face begin to flush, but I don't look away. I watch as Kenny strides easily, lazily through our classmates and ambles his way over to us. I notice how he is quick to offer a smile to everyone that he passes, and how everyone seems to have one ready to return. He stops at table containing Clyde, Token and Craig and slips into an easy conversation with them. Clyde seems delighted by whatever Kenny is saying, but it's hard to tell with him, he often wears a goofy grin no matter what anyone is saying. Token seems amused by Kenny's story, but Craig is as stoic as ever. Kenny disengages and continues wending his way over to our group. I notice how content he appears, and confident. I swear this guy has confidence to spare. I turn my gaze upwards as he approaches, unsure whether or not my face is still sporting a pinkish hue. I stare at the clouds watching the subtly shifting shapes with increasing interest.

"Hey, Kenny!" Stan shouts. "What happened to you this morning?"

"I slept in," he responds. "I didn't sleep well last night."

"Oh, yeah. Neither did Kyle. What were you guys doing?" Stan laughs.

I say nothing. I continue to stare at the clouds as if they are most fucking interesting things I have ever seen in my life. I can feel Kenny jump up on the wall next to me. I don't move, stop breathing and continue to stare at the clouds. I can feel him lean over and look up, then look at me and lean in close, "Whadda looking at?" he asks.

"Clouds," I mumble. I know he is staring at me, but I don't trust myself to look at him. I already had images of him and I doing unspeakable things flash through my head as he walked over here. I may do or say something stupid if I look at him now. He pulls away and looks up.

"See anything interesting?"

"Nope, just looking." I try to keep the conversation as short as possible. I need to take deep breaths, but also to hide the fact that I need to take deep breaths. So, I just breath really slowly and continue staring. After a moment Kenny loses interest and leans forward to join the conversation between the guys. The problem with this is that he has to sort of lean over me, I can feel his arm pushed up against my thigh. I know my heart is beating really fast. His head is so close to my chest, as he leans over, that I'm sure he can hear it. Thankfully the bell rings, we all head back to class. I linger for a few seconds, regaining my composure. Going back to normal isn't going to be easy.

Monday passes without further ado. I go home, do homework, eat, sleep, and start the next day a little more refreshed. Breakfast, then Ike and I bolt to the bus stop as we are running behind. Everyone is already loaded on and the doors are closing just as Ike reaches them. He scampers up the steps with me close on his tail and takes a seat next to one of his friends. I head to the back of the bus, but stop short once I see Stan. He's sitting with Cartman. That never happens, Stan and I ALWAYS sit together. There is a seat open next to Kenny, but I find myself reluctant to sit there. I am standing in the aisle, like a reject and the bus driver yells at me to sit down. Kenny smiles at me and pats the seat next to him. I take a deep breath and slide into the seat.

I stare straight ahead and fold my hands into my lap. I try to focus on anything but the boy sitting next to me. Somewhere, distantly, I hear Stan's voice. He is talking football with Cartman. I try to care about what they are saying, but I just don't. I find myself staring at all the weird little details you never notice when you ride the same bus every day for years on end. For example, the seat that is third from the front on the left is beginning to fray in the top right hand corner. It's easy to miss the extra bits of thread sticking out of the corner seam when there is a huge, gaping hole right across the entire backside of the seat. Another thing I really noticed for the first time is that Craig and Clyde, whilst inseparable as friends, are worlds apart in temperament. Craig slouches in the seat, head down and not engaging anyone in any form of human contact. While Clyde is a veritable storm of a social butterfly. He is twisting and turning, like an agitator in a washing machine; turning behind to talk to Token and forward to talk to Tweek, and to his side to check that Craig is still slouching and around to talk to Kevin who is sitting across the aisle. He even momentarily catches my eye and flashes me a winning smile. I guess I never really noticed this because our two crews rarely mix, and I've never been inclined to ponder and the relational dynamics of their group of friends.

The conversation behind me at some point shifts from football to video games. This catches Kenny's attention and he turns in the seat to join the discussion. I notice out of the corner of my eye that this swivel has caused Kenny's hoodie and shirt to ride up a little. I can now see the top of his boxers and the stretched muscles that run along his right side and down his hip. The compulsion to reach out and touch him is overwhelming. It is like a primal need, that takes all of my willpower to overcome. I grasp my clasped hands even tighter and I begin to bite my lip in the effort to keep my hands to myself. Kenny turns to look at me and seems puzzled by my demeanour, but doesn't say anything. He just cocks his head to one side and raises an eyebrow in the infuriatingly adorable way he does everything. I renew my diligent focus on the nothingness before me, but this seems to intrigue Kenny even more. Slowly, he turns back to face forward and peers ahead, trying to determine what I am looking at. He looks at me, then leans in so that we are almost cheek to cheek and squints his eyes in concentration.

"What is so fascinating, Kyle?"

I don't speak. I can't speak. I can't even breath. I'm afraid to move, because if I do it will probably be to jump on Kenny right here and now. The best response I can manage is a subtle shrug. I do manage to force myself to look somewhere else, any where else. But not at Kenny. I turn to look out the opposite window and I can feel Kenny's eyes on the back of my head. Thankfully, this god-forsaken ride is over with and I can get off the bus and away from the object of my desire.

I zip to my locker and head off to my first class, leaving Stan calling after me. I settle into the hard desk in my AP English and enjoy the fact that I have no classes with Kenny. I am feeling trapped by him, not through anything he is doing, it is just my own stupid, messed up brain. I think I'm beginning to develop an obsession. I need to figure out away to repress this insane desire for one of my best friends. Class starts and I am quickly enveloped in the works of Donne and have no spare synapses for thoughts of Kenny. Law follows suit and I make it to lunch with nary a wayward thought. I head out to sit on the wall again and wait for the others to show up. Stan comes running up first and bombards me with questions.

"Dude, what was up with you this morning? First you were late, then you wouldn't sit down. Then you ignored us all the _entire_ bus ride. Then you bolt off to your locker like your ass is on fire and disappear. Did I kill you in your dreams again last night? You know that means absolutely nothing right!"

"No, you didn't kill me. That was only that one time. Don't worry, it's nothing. I've just been sleeping badly lately. I guess I'm over-tired." This isn't entirely a lie, but it isn't really the truth. However, I figure Stan wouldn't understand what I'm going through right now and there is no need to trouble him with it. Cartman appears to be content this lunch hour with harrassing Butters. Good, that means he won't be joining us. I used to feel bad for Butters, unlike the rest of us he seems to have not learned his lesson. Cartman always fucks with the kid, and he always turns the other cheek. Like he really believes that this time Cartman will be different, will be his friend for real. There is no helping the kid, if he doesn't want to learn.

I surreptitiously scan the grounds for a certain blonde boy. I don't know why I want to torture myself with his presence, but the idea of not seeing him seems even more tortuous. I don't see him anywhere, and my heart begins to sink at the thought of a lunch period without him. He must be somewhere, hitting on someone. I fight, as jealousy begins to make my blood boil. I have no right to be jealous, but I can't seem to help it. The idea of him smiling, or flashing his deep blue eyes at some one else tears me apart. What if he does that thing where he leans in really close, then slowly tucks a stray hair behind her ear. Or his ear, I suppose. I feel like I want to jump down and hunt the bastard down. And for what? For being Kenny. Unfortunately for me, Kenny manages to stay gone all lunch period. As I gather my books from my locker for Chem, I begin to wish that I did have a class with Kenny. Just so I can have an excuse to see him.

I close my locker and let out a deep sigh. Going back to "normal" is obviously impossible now. The question is, can I learn to live with my feelings and not let them consume my every waking moment. And more importantly, can I keep them hidden from everyone. Especially Kenny.

* * *

I'm not entirely happy with how this chapter rolled out, but I had to stop trying to "fix" it and just get it out. Hopefully it was okay. There is some lovely stuff coming up. I really like this particular scene in the next chapter. It was one that has been playing out in my mind since the beginning and I'm glad I found a way to add it in. I am thinking there are going to be two, maybe three chapters left. We'll see how that works out for me. :p


	6. Lingering

A/N: Whoa, it seems to be taking me longer and longer to update. Sorry friends. Again I'm full of lame excuses, but will spare you banality of them all. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. So far it is my favourite. I am again posting without having written the next chapter, but I willing to take the chance on this one. I'm thinking two more to go, it may be three but I think only two. Please if you can, comment. I need to know what you all think. Any comments, constructive criticisms, suggestions, or what have you are so greatly appreciated.

* * *

**6. Lingering**

I catch myself staring at Kenny for the billionth time. I try to divert my attention elsewhere, but he is captivating. It is amazing to watch the man work. He is smooth and cool and has the girl eating out of the palm of his hand. The poor thing doesn't stand a chance against Kenny's charms. He has this trick he does, where he bows his head and looks up at his target through heavy lidded eyes. Nobody can resist that move. And he can use it on anyone. For instance this girl right now is a good 8 inches shorter than Kenny, yet he is able to look up at her through those heavy eyes. Amazing. It makes him appear vulnerable, but he maintains control the entire time. Stan really could stand to learn some things from him. He would be fairing better with Wendy if he did.

I enjoy lunch more than ever now as it is pretty much the only time during school that I get to see Kenny. However, he often likes to spend this time hitting on girls and sometimes boys but not nearly as often. Even though I know that he is bi, I think he prefers women to men. He sure seems to like fucking them. Which I keep telling myself is okay, and I can't get jealous. I'm adjusting more and more to my new situation. Things aren't the same as they used to be, but I guess once you start something new in your life you can never go back to the way it used to be.

Outwardly, we are back on familiar ground. Kenny and Stan still talk about sex all the time. I ignore them and focus on my book or the game or whatever we happen to be doing. Cartman is still an asshole. We still hang out on Wednesdays. Stan and Wendy are still not having sex and Kenny still fucks anything that comes along. But one important thing has changed. I'm falling for Kenny. I find myself staring at him all the time. I watch his movements, his gestures, his idiosyncrasies like Jane Goodall watched the chimps. I seriously find myself studying the guy. He was right, only I could take something as basic and primal as sex and turn it into a research project. Kenny just happens to be the focus of the project. I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I do masturbate more frequently, always to fantasies involving my azure-eyed Romeo. Which I know makes me a super creep, but I can't help it. Kenny is the only thing that excites me sexually.

This secret obsession has been going on for weeks now, and rather than abating it seems to be getting stronger. I know he's caught me staring at him a bunch of times, but he doesn't seemed bothered by it. He hasn't cornered me to question me or anything. We hang out as much as ever and everything seems okay. But it isn't, not really. There are times when I want so badly to lean over and kiss him, just lightly. I imagine his lips are soft and moist. There are nights that I wish I could cuddle up next to him and fall asleep in his arms. Sometimes, I just want to fuck him silly. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I want to confess my love and hope for the best. Mostly I just bottle it up. Writhing every time he leans over some girl, pushing her hair behind her ear...wishing that I could be that girl. But Kenny isn't the only one who is dynamite a keeping secrets. The only person who I usually can't keep secrets from is Stan, but he is so preoccupied with the Wendy fluctuations that he hasn't noticed.

The bell rings and we all head back to class. I can't wait for the day to end, because it's Wednesday. The one day where I can be sure to have time alone with Kenny. After the gaming and after dinner he usually hangs out for a bit now. But, the day just seems to drag on. I can't even pay attention in History, which is my favourite class. Finally the day ends and we all hop on the bus. I notice that Kenny isn't with us, and I look around to see where he may have gone.

"Where's Kenny?" I ask Stan and Cartman.

"Don't know. Who cares?" Cartman sneers.

"I think he went off with that Alex chick." Stan answers.

"What! Why, where?"

"Dude, what's the big deal? He probably just wants to get laid."

I almost jump off the bus to go look for him, but that would be difficult to explain. There have been times when Kenny doesn't come over on Wednesday. I've just been so excited about today that I can't help but feel heart-broken. I look out the window and sulk. The bus is readying to leave when a straggler jumps on at the last second. I don't look up. I don't care who it is. All I can think about is Kenny kissing that girl, kissing that girl and not kissing me.

"What's up Kyle? You look like your dog just died or something." Kenny's sonorous voice reverberates in my chest.

"He just freaked that you weren't coming. I think he must be in love with you." Cartman laughs. Kenny turns to me and raises a questioning eyebrow. Thankfully, I don't have to offer an explanation as Stan pipes up, "Dude, what happened? I thought you were going with Alex? She seemed totally into you."

"Yeah, she is, but she's got dance class or something. We are going to meet up tomorrow." I feel a wave of relief and jealousy simultaneously. Kenny's coming over, but only because the girl he wants to fuck is busy. Dancing, no less. I'm sure that is a big turn on for Kenny. Imagining her in her stupid tight dance clothes and all flexible and shit. I'm still a bit sulky on the bus ride home, but my friends choose to ignore me. We arrive at my house and the ritual begins. I don't feel like playing, but in the effort to keep up appearances I pick up a controller. Stan and Cartman leave in due time and after silently confirming with Kenny that he's staying for dinner, I move to the kitchen. I'm washing the chicken when Kenny comes strolling in. This is the first time he has ever, EVER, come in when I've made dinner.

"Whatcha making?"

"Shake n' Bake, fries and salad."

"Mmmm, I love Shake n' Bake. Do you want any help?" I shoot him a quizzical look. "I don't know how to cook, but I thought maybe watching you...I'd learn something. My mom doesn't cook, so I can't learn at home."

"Okay...well you can make the fries." I gesture to the potatoes on the counter. He just looks at them and I can see the confusion in his eyes. "I make the fries from scratch. I don't like frozen fries." His eyes light up and he looks at me with something akin to admiration. Which confuses me a bit, because he's had fries here before.

"Okay! Whadda've I gotta do?"

"Well, wash them in the sink. Then pat them dry with a cloth. Then microwave them for 7 mins." He looks skeptical. "Mircrowave them, then we deep-fry them. Cuts the frying time down." I explain. He smiles and nods knowingly.

I've moved away from the sink and already cleaned it out. Kenny gets to work, enthusiastically scrubbing the potatoes. He then carefully pats each one dry. I melt a little watching the concentration in his face. He then goes to sick the potatoes in the microwave. "Whoa, wait! You gotta stab 'em first."

"What?" He looks up from the potatoes.

"You have to pierce the skins, or else they will explode in the microwave."

"Really? Cool! Uh, stab 'em with what?" I pull a fork out of the drawer and hand it to him. "How many stabs?" I just shrug and smile and he goes to town. Those poor potatoes have no idea what hit them. Kenny begins to laugh and seems to really enjoy "murdering" the potatoes.

"Whoa Kenny, that's probably good. We are making fries remember, not mash." He grins sheepishly and sticks them in the microwave. He watches me as I stick the chicken in the bag and shake then place them on the foil covered cookie sheet.

"Ha! Shake and bake. Clever!" Sometimes Kenny's naivety can be painfully adorable. He is watching me very closely, so I hand him the bag and he eagerly takes it from me and shakes the living shit out of the chicken. The microwave beeps and he goes to retrieve the potatoes.

"Kenny, grab an oven mitt. They're going to be hot!" I catch him just in time. He turns to grab the mitt off counter. He is holding a potato in his hand and looks to me for further instructions. I give him the veg cut board and he moves them all over. I've put the chicken in the oven and have started on the salad, making sure to check for bugs. Kenny is standing, knife in hand, trying to figure out how to attack the potatoes again. I walk over to him and grab the first potato and begin to slice, showing him how to make even sized pieces. I begin to work on my salad again, secretly revelling in the wonderfully domestic situation I find myself in. I fantasize that this is our kitchen and Kenny and I are making dinner together. Which we will share and talk about our day, then we will go up to our room and make passionate love all night.

I turn to see how he's getting on and notice a small heap of horribly miss-shaped fries. I walk over, my head still in my fantasy, and stand behind him. My hand reaches out to cover his, my head right beside his, my body pressed up against his, I whisper into his ear, "You have to make them all the same size, or else they won't cook evenly." And I guide his hand in cutting the potatoes. I am lost in the moment, happy as I have ever been in my life when I realize I am actually doing this to Kenny and not just fantasizing. Mid-cut I freeze and panic roots me to the spot. He just turns his head to look at me over his shoulder and smiles, "Uh, thanks Kyle." I leap back as if he is suddenly on fire and mumble incoherently. We finish making dinner and sit down with my family. As always there is polite small talk, but I am very uncomfortable. I keep shifting my gaze to Kenny, but ashamed lower my head and eat in silence. How could I be so stupid! I was just so wrapped up in my little daydream that I didn't realize I had begun to play it out. I'm surprised that he didn't say anything or freak out. Actually, no I'm not, he wouldn't freak out. Kenny is amazing, and understanding and he probably just thinks I was being super helpful. One can always hope.

I find myself trembling as we head up to my bedroom after dinner. I am scared he will bring it up. Of course he's going to bring it up, but what should I do? Laugh it off, confess, kiss the ever loving daylights out of him? I actually feel nauseous, I can sort of see why Stan used to keep throwing up on Wendy all the time. I walk in and Kenny follows. I sit on my bed and he sits beside me. I keep my head bowed and focus on taking deep breaths.

"So, you still watching porn?" The question is so sudden and so far from the conversation I was expecting to have that I'm confused as to what the words actually mean.

"Huh, what?"

"I was just wondering how the porn was working out for you. You know, if you still watch it or not."

"Uh, no not really. It doesn't really do much for me."

"So are you still worried about being normal?"

"Not really. Well not in the same way, or I mean for the same reasons."

"Huh, what are you worried about now?" This line of questioning is so different from what I was expecting that it has put me at ease, somewhat.

"Well, I seem to be excited by a very specific thing. Like, only this thing gets me horny. I'm a little worried that that's not a good thing. Or healthy. Or normal."

Kenny smiles, "Sure it is, dude. You just have a fetish. Lot's of people do."

"A fetish?" I've heard the term, but wasn't quite sure what it meant.

"Yeah, like you need a particular thing to find sexual gratification. There are tonnes of people who have fetishes. And tonnes of different types of fetishes."

"Uh, okay."

"Some people have foot or shoe fetishes, so they need foot play or for the person to wear shoes in order to get off. Some people like dressing up in costumes, or role-playing. Some of these people wear like mascot costumes, their called furries," he laughs. "There is a group of people who get off on dominating others or being dominated by others. There are people who are into peeing on each other. Lots of stuff. I don't think you need to worry."

"Kay...but are any of these fetishes really specific? I mean like a shoe fetish, but it has to be this exact pair of shoes and no other shoes will do?"

"I don't know. I guess so. Do you have a specific pair of shoes that you really like?" He asks jokingly.

"Not as such." I mumble. He looks at me curiously for a moment then shifts a little closer.

"Kyle." He waits till I look up at him before he continues, "Do you trust me?" He is sitting unbearably close to me. Unable to speak, I just nod. He looks deep into my eyes and leans over until he is less than an inch away. "Completely, trust me?" He whispers, and I can feel his breath across my lips. I can't move. He closes the space ever so slowly, never once removing his deep blue eyes from mine, and I feel the touch of his soft lips. I feel faint and close my eyes.

I must be dreaming and I don't want to open my eyes and ruin the dream. I can feel Kenny's lips against mine, covering me in chaste kisses. I let him. I want him to continue kissing me forever. I feel the uncomfortable pressure in my jeans and know that the tent has been pitched. I reason that, seeing as this is a dream, it is perfectly okay and I don't need to hide my erection. But the kisses stop. Against my better judgement I open my eyes and see Kenny smiling at me. His eyes are sparkling and his head is cocked to one side. He glances down at my lap and back up at me, the grin spreading further.

"I've never been someone's fetish before." He smirks.

I feel myself turn crimson at the comment. At the comment and at the situation. I have the most intriguing and desirable man sitting closer to me than I could ever have hoped for, and he just kissed me. Delicate, wonderful, chaste kisses and my reaction is to develop an embarrassingly rigid boner.

"I'm sorry." I mumble.

"Sorry?" he asks. "Why are you sorry?"

"For earlier, creeping on you in the kitchen. And.." I look down at my lap, "...for this." He smiles and shakes his head.

"Don't be sorry." A moment of concern etches itself into his features. "Unless of course you don't want me to kiss you."

I've never seen doubt in Kenny's face before, he has always been so confident. The doubt makes him look very innocent and young. Altogether way too appealing for a normal human being to handle. In response, I smile and close the short space between us and brush my lips against his. I feel as if everything I've ever wanted and dreamt about is about to come true. I can feel him returning the kiss and he somehow seems to have taken control. The kisses remain chaste, soft pecks across my top and bottom lip and the corners of my mouth. His hand moves up to caress my cheek and he pushes ever so slightly into me. I sigh deeply and lean back into the bed. My hands find themselves wrapped around his waist and caressing his lower back. He shifts himself on top of me and the pressure of his weight sends chills throughout my body.

I feel his lips part slightly and I mimic his actions. His tongue slips artfully into my mouth and begins it's explorations. Everything seems to have taken on an intensity that I am having trouble processing. The light in the room is too bright. The sweet, musky smell of Kenny is suffocating me. His weight makes it harder to breath. Every inch of my body is hypersensitive and I can feel my clothing chaffing against my skin. His hand reaches up under my shirt and something in my brain snaps. It's as if a blackness envelops me and I become nothing but sensation. A most wonderfully erotic sensation. Slowly as if from some distance I can hear Kenny's voice, "Kyle, stop... Kyle slow down... Kyle, wait." I suddenly become aware of my surroundings again and Kenny is pulling my hands up from his pants and pulling back to sit up.

"What? Why are you stopping?" I ask breathlessly.

"I... just think we should take things more slowly." The words cut into me as if he was wielding a sword.

"Why? I want this. I want you." I am beseeching him to continue. "Please."

"Kyle, you are new to this. I... I...don't want to take advantage of you. I want you to be able to stop and walk away. I know you. You need time to process things and you can't just jump into something as intense as sex after years of not even thinking about it."

"I know I want this Kenny. I've been thinking about it for weeks. I can feel it with every fibre of my being. I want this." I lean in to kiss him, my lips parting on contact and my hands grasping his hair as I push against his body. I can hear him moan lightly and he kisses me back fervently.

I move back and pull him on top of me again. I feel his erection pushing against mine and again I am transported to this euphoric state of being. I can hear myself moaning his name as I push myself up against him and my fingers rake across his back. "Kyle" he whispers, "Oh, Kyle. We...we...really should...we really should...stop." Stopping is out of the question now and I move my hands down to his pants again, this time rubbing the bulge from the outside. His breath catches a moment, but as I move to undo his zipper, he stops me. "Kyle, stop. We can't. I won't...I won't let you do something you are going regret." His words tear me to shreds and I feel myself breaking. I look into his eyes, searching for the reason behind his hesitation. Maybe he doesn't like me. Maybe he was just having a bit of fun and I'm taking it too far. That thought is enough to break all my resolve and before I can stop I can feel my eyes welling up. "Kyle? Oh, Kyle please don't cry."

"I'm sorry, Kenny. I thought you wanted..." my voice breaks and I look away. I feel so embarrassed and stupid. Kenny grabs my chin and turns my head back to face him. But I keep my eyes firmly averted and I can feel the tears running down the side of my face.

"Kyle look at me. Look at me." I turn my eyes to him and am met with a stern, yet imploring stare. "I want to. Believe me, I do want to. More than anything, but I can't. Kyle, I care about you and I know you. You need time to think. You over think everything and you need time to be sure that this is what you really want."

"I know.."

"No, you don't. Not yet, anyway. You need to take everything you're feeling right now and analyze it. You need to look at it, without all the hormones and see if you still feel the same way. Kyle, I've known you since pre-school. I know how you work."

"Kenny." He stops me with a kiss. A sweet, gentle kiss. And I kiss him back, as if my life depended on it. I pull away slightly and whisper against his lips, "Okay. Okay, Kenny. I understand." Relief washes across his face and he caresses my cheek with his thumb. He leans forward a places a kiss on my forehead and then on my nose, and finally again across my lips.

* * *

A/N: Well, that's it. For now anyway. I'm pretty much have the rest mapped out, but things are always subject to change. I have been influence in the past to change things in this story by reader's comments and from reading some wonderful stories on this site. I also find that when I'm stuck for inspiration I like to check out some awesome yaoi fanart. I highly recommend azngirlLH on deviantART and babyhip. Two constant sources of fluffy and smexy inspiration.


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